Pumpkin Pie Soup
Thanksgiving is the day when we all get together with our loveliest loved ones around a large table to give thanks and praise for pie. That’s right, pie. That’s what it’s all about. The turkey and dressing, cranberry what-nots, and mashed potatoes and yammies are there for one reason and one reason only – to fill your fat ass up so that you don’t have room for the pumpkin pie. Then, while you’re rolling around on the floor, writhing in pain and watching the Detroit Lions get manhandled by whatever team they are playing, your precious mee-maw, nana, mimi, pee-pop, or pap-pap is secretly hoarding the pie until after you leave. Yeah, maybe big uncle Phil will get his sweaty, hairy knuckles on a slice or two. But, for the majority of us, the psychoactive drug tryptophan is enough to put us out for at least a few solid hours. This little bait and switch tactic has been employed by the Thanksgiving chef for centuries, usually to scam his or her “beloved” family members from getting to the real deal of the meal, the pumpking of the culinary castle, and the reason you put up with your family year after year, the pumpkin pie.
The origin of this swindle dates back to the Mayflower, when the pilgrims devised the first ever Native American screw-over. This is before the death of Tecumseh, before the Chickamauga Wars, before Manhattan island was sold for beads, and even before reservations and casinos. No, this was even more sinister. You see, the pilgrims knew that the Americans had pumpkins, and lots of them. They also knew that Chief Rolling Pin had a slamming crust recipe. Instead of being happy with their dry, crumbly tea biscuits, those European bastards devised a scheme to genetically breed turkeys to secrete tryptophan when scared. This drug, when mixed with gravy, has the stopping power of a 357 magnum. While the drug-induced natives slumbered, the pilgrims stole their pies, their land, and their freedom.
All history aside, I have my own trojan horse plan to circumvent all of my family’s shenanigans. I will eat the pie first by disguising it as a soup. Soups are always eaten first and no one will scold me for eating soup before a meal. Now no drugged-up turkeys, shrewd grannies, or native spirits will impede my ultimate goal, to seize me some pumpkin pie.
Pumpkin Pie Soup
- 1 long pie pumpkin, halved, deseeded, and pulp removed
- 2 small butternut squashes, halved, deseeded, and pulp removed
- 1/2 stick of sweet butter
- 1 quart of water
- 1/3 cup high quality dark amber maple syrup, with more for garnish
- 2 teaspoons dried sage
- 1/4 cup half and half
- 1/2 tsp kosher salt, more as needed
- 1/2 tsp cinnamon
- dash of white sugar
- 2 tablespoons dark brown sugar
NUTRITIONAL INFORMATION
Servings: 5
Food energy: 217kcal
Saturated fatty acids: 6.89g
Monounsaturated fatty acids: 3.00g
Polyunsaturated fatty acids: 0.54g
Total fat: 10.43g
Calories from fat: 93
Cholesterol: 30mg
Carbohydrate, by difference: 30.50g
Total dietary fiber: 2.87g
Protein: 1.50g
Total lipid (fat): 11.21g
Water: 94.02g
Ash: 1.50g
Total sugars: 19.70g
Calcium: 87mg
Iron: 0.74mg
Magnesium: 31mg
Phosphorus: 42mg
Potassium: 316mg
Sodium: 451mg
Zinc: 0.53mg
Copper: 0.07mg
Manganese: 0.82mg
Selenium: 1.35μg
Vitamin C: 12.69mg
Thiamin: 0.09mg
Riboflavin: 0.31mg
Niacin: 0.90mg
Pantothenic acid: 0.38mg
Vitamin B6: 0.12mg
Folate, total: 17μg
Folic acid: —
Food folate: 17μg
Folate: 17μg dietary folate equivalents
Vitamin B12: 0.06μg
Vitamin A: 9943IU
Vitamin A RAE: 571μg retinol activity equivalents
Retinol: 88μg
Vitamin E (alpha-tocopherol): 1.39mg
Vitamin K (phylloquinone): 6.65μg
Alpha-carotene: 926μg
Beta-carotene: 4g
Beta-cryptoxanthin: 2g
Lycopene: —
Lutein+zeazanthin: 5μg
Percent refuse: —
Lewd Food 